I have been fighting with myself back and forth for 10 days about whether or not I should post this. So, I will preface it by saying that I am okay, everything is fine. I just felt that the need was too great to not share it because the impact could be far reaching.
It's been over a month since I moved into my new place, since orientation day. I love my program, the people I am meeting, and the things I am getting to do, the career path that I am working towards.
Even so, I feel incredibly lonely sometimes. Some days in the last few weeks it has been a crippling part of my day, where I start to feel this way and begin to spiral down into this hole of wondering if I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am an extrovert. The people who have known me for a long or short time can attest to this. And I am not ashamed of it. But it does have it's challenges. Being so out going and thriving on my interactions with people around me, coupled with the low self esteem I have, and my anxieties about, well, everything - can sometimes mean that I will start to crumble beneath the surface. The days that it is too hard to get out of bed, not because I am being lazy, scare me the most because I am the kind of person that will just work myself to the bone to get through everything.
Sometimes I am so ashamed of feeling this way because I know I am very lucky; lucky to be in Canada, lucky to have access to education, lucky to have such caring friends and family. I have a lot of trouble allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and try and find a way to move on in the healthiest means possible. I do my best to pretend like I am okay and put a brave smile on so that I can get through the day, meeting my daily deadlines.
No one talks about how lonely it can be once you've left university, which is quite a formative time, and moved home or on to other things. But it is. Having just graduated and all my friends moving onto the next chapters of their lives, I am so excited to see what the future holds for each one of us. But I miss them, the places we would hangout, the late night talks, the random get togethers, and all the little things so much. I have come to realize how precious my time with them now is and I cherish the time we can all chat or get together for something.
One of the things I've been having the hardest time remembering is that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. Somehow, some way things will work out. Most days it doesn't seem like that at all but it has worked out somehow this long.
It does get better, there are highs and lows, but I know that I need to get through this tough time to get to a better place.
If anyone reading this now, or anytime in the future needs someone to talk to, someone to just listen to them, sit in silence with, or anything else, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. While it is okay not to be okay, you don't have to go it alone.